Most students should understand that you’ve entered the game of parking lot wars by default. If you are a student and you drive on campus to attend class, please be aware that you’ve already signed an unwritten agreement to play the game. All participants, willing or unwilling, need to be well prepped for the game in order to win. Here are seven signs that will help you identify and adapt to the parking culture.
Slow Creep Stalker: Have you ever walked to your car and felt the strange sensation of someone following you? “I was like wait…what’s happening?” fellow student Victoria Snyder said. Most of us look back to find that there is someone watching and following you, eagerly using their telekinetic powers to move you and your car “safely” from their future parking spot. Smile and start your ignition immediately, followed by retouching your make-up or reviewing sports updates for the next five minutes.
Human Hour Glass: You’ve returned to your car excited about taking selfies, Tweeting, updating your Instagram, Snapshot, and Facebook statuses when you look in your rear view mirror and the human hour glass has arrived. A fellow student is waiting to take your spot. They may appear to be patient, but they would like nothing more than for you to skedaddle because your precious moments could mean losing half a lung as they fast walk the entire mile to class.
Smart Car: Finding a parking space quickly is instrumental in getting to class within a timely fashion. One day you will witness what will appear to be the parking space of your dreams. It will feel as if Public Safety freshly painted the lines to fit your car perfectly, but upon further discovery, you will find a smart car…but you shall call it a dumb car. Don’t worry! You weren’t the first to be fooled and you will not be the last. Use this opportunity to practice your three-point turn.
Gangster Rap: Apparently, gangster rap is the preferred genre of music for students who wish to preserve their cool identity while seeking out a parking space. There is no need to alert Public Safety officials, lock your doors, or clutch your purses tighter. The driver is more prone to be like a midget Stephen Hawking than 50 cent. Just relax, shut your windows, and turn your music louder.
Creative Parking: According to the college website, we all pay a $15 vehicle registration fee, but don’t worry this doesn’t guarantee a parking space for your vehicle. During times when you’ve circled the school five times looking for parking, you may be tempted to create your own parking space. “When they do a horrible job plowing you can’t really help it. Where are you supposed to park?” said fellow student Paige Cornicelli. Students give up hope and end up parking in trees, sidewalks, or curbs. But you are smarter. You will park in Antarctica and enjoy your 3.5 mile brisk and freezing walk to class. It won’t hurt too much, your face may lose its entire sensation before you make it to class.
Idiot test: Should you be the extremely patient person coveting and waiting for someone’s parking space, please remember to use the appropriate signals. There is a special “I’m not an idiot” feature that tells the rest of us that you plan on parking, these lights are known as a turn signal. If you use them properly, people get the idea that it’s okay to go around you to proceed in the parking lot war.
Parking Lot Wars: All parking spaces are not created equal. If you are witnessing an opening, it’s safe to assume that there are many opponents out there seeking to steal the parking spot created just for you. Keep your eye on the prize. Que the western cowboy gunfight music in your head and eyeball your opponent aggressively. Usually the person who is closer wins. The parking lot is practice for driving toddlers, so compete wisely.
We’ve all entered the parking lot game of wars. If survival is your intention, remember to brush up on your stalking talents, practice impatience, shame smart cars, embrace Gangster rap, park creatively, pass the idiot test, and win your parking wars. May the best conquer the rest!